Advice – I feel insecure about my partner’s previous dating history.

/u/thislakeisgreat on /r/relationships writes…

“… He moved in UK from his hometown after a 4 years relationship. He had only slept with 2 girls at the time and was 23. Then, newly single and in another country, followed 5 years of partying, dating, Tindering … Until he reached about 27 girls.

“I feel horrible to think that way but I thought he was the kind of guy to wait and have a special connection with someone to have sex with her. I was feeling very special . I’m not anymore.

We’ve been 8 beautiful months together. I asked him if he missed the dating scene, he said after hesitating “hmmm not really, it’s nice and fun to be able to sleep with anyone but you feel lonely after. There are nice things in both things, being single and relationships”.

… I can’t shake it off. I feel unspecial, I feel like I won’t be enough. I feel like he doesn’t value sex as much as I do, and that he’ll probably get bored with one woman.

I wonder if I should address my insecurities to him. I don’t want to darken the relationship with them. But at the same time I’m craving for reassuring words. It just changed my view on him , and my confidence level.

Your advice and insight would be greatly appreciated!”

Photo by on

Dear thislakeisgreat,

I remember my first experience with pho very clearly. I was just a wee little kid, living in Korea. Must’ve been seven or eight. And my mom had come back from a long day at work and took us out to a nearby Vietnamese restaurant. I can still remember the sign that said “Pho Ha” (in Korean) in its cranberry red and yolk yellow. I also remember how the hot broth naturally flowed with the white rice noodles. I finished the full adult-sized bowl and thought I was going to explode from all the food I’ve pretty much inhaled.

I didn’t come across pho again until much later in life. There was a hole in the wall restaurant nearby my apartment. My girlfriend had just come over and we wanted to go try something new. The first thing I noticed on their menu was a beef noodle soup called pho. I decided I liked all three of those words. And the first spoonful of soup and noodle brought me rushing back to that moment in my childhood that I had completely stored away. And in my head, I was back in Korea enjoying my first bowl of pho again.

Image credit to Hairy Bikers on BBC.

I had many a bowls of pho since then, both at that same restaurant and many others. And each of them have been special in each unique ways. Sometimes, it’s my go-to comfort food for when it’s rainy out and I want to nestle with my broth-belly. Sometimes it’s my date night food when I want to introduce them to something special. Sometimes it’s my food of choice when I go out with my coworkers. The point is, each bowl of pho meant something different for me.

And thislakeisgreat, I also believe that sex too is unique to the circumstance.

Casual sex might be the instant ramen noodles compared to the pho that is sex with you. You can absolutely miss ramen even if you have the best bowl of pho in front of you. But have you tried eating pho for 50 cents a bowl in the side streets of Hanoi? I haven’t either.

Wow I am really jonesing for some pho.

It is great to see that you are owning up to your insecurity! Try to grasp and wrestle with that feeling and dig deeper into the source of that feeling. Learn something for yourself from this experience.

Eight months is not a short amount of time to have built a strong foundation with your partner. So give him an opportunity to be there for you by providing you with emotional validation in times of low-risk emotional insecurity. Your feelings are fair and justified, but they are also ephemeral. So use this as an opportunity to grow and develop your relationship into becoming more meaningful and trustworthy.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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