Advice – Emotional Polyamory

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/u/findingmemo1990s on /r/polyamory writes…

“I’ve been married for going on six years, together eight. Always monogamous. Something I’ve realized as of late is that I tend to have very deep and loving connections with other men, even when I am with someone. I’ve kind of been that way my whole life but always felt a lot of shame around it (probably because of my parents and infidelity) but my partner and I are honestly just really unconventional people as it is and he is okay with the way that I am. I think it’s me that is having a harder time accepting that I am unconventional in that way.

I’m not interested in exploring physical relationships at this time, I’m more just talking about learning to live within a partnership that is accepting of loving more than one person at a time. Love is just such a relative thing to me.”

Dear Finding Memo 1990s,

I once went on a date with an asexual relationship anarchist. They told me a lot about what that realization was like and what their ensuing pursuit for polyamorous relationship as asexual was like. Over sushi, they introduced me to their own practice of relationship anarchy. They taught me a lot about what it is to pursue models for various relationships as they saw fit. Even though there wasn’t a romantic connection, I was able to gather a lot from that connection.

Perhaps, it would be easier to set aside some time to think about and dive into that desire to form deep and intimate connections with different folks. Some use the term queerplatonic to describe that gap between a really romantic connection and a purely platonic connection. Here is a link to check out if you want to take a further look into what that looks like. Understanding what that looks like and mentally preparing to develop different forms of partnerships and connections will do both you and your partner a lot of good.

Finding and creating space for all different kinds of connections is a really great skill to have in polyamory at large. Remember that even unconventional people are still humans at its basest level. So be sure to communicate with your spouse about some of the things you’ve been working on and take time to celebrate the smallest successes whenever you can.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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