Advice – Found a condom wrapper.

Photo by Wallace Chuck on

Anonymous writes…

“Yesterday night I went over to my dude’s place for a homemade steak dinner. Awesome, right? Little wine, some noms, 5 mins into The Mandalorian until we finish our food and race into his room to make sweet love, since we hadn’t in at least 2 weeks. It was passionate and wonderful, as it has been the whole 3 months we’ve been seeing each other. He goes to shower off, and I put my clothes on and notice that there’s a used condom wrapper on the nightstand…

While that’s not so weird given the context, it is because we haven’t used condoms in nearly 2 months (I have the implant). After I casually confront him, he says it must’ve shown up from when he was cleaning earlier. I don’t even…fucking what? Lol. He assures me, “We’re exclusive. We established that from the beginning.” Okay. We continue the date night for a little longer until I’m sufficiently uncomfortable enough to go.

Outside, I broached the subject again. This time I tell him I’m genuinely concerned, especially after his different texting behavior. Normally he’s not an excessive communicator by any means, but this week he started sending good morning messages, was more verbally expressive, and he even called just to chat. Now, he did mention he wanted to ramp up the communication because I seem to like that shit, but I don’t know. I told him I’ve never been cheated on, so I’m no expert in signs to look for, but the weird 180 in behavior and condom wrapper didn’t sit right with me.

We ended on technically good terms, and we’re supposed to talk about the situation again after he gets back from vacation with his family in 2 weeks. Yesterday night I genuinely felt heartbroken because we had just exchanged nice gifts the night before, I had plans to spend Christmas Eve with his family, and this was honestly one of the most natural, enjoyable relationships I’ve had. Do you guys think there’s a chance I’ve overreacting, or is this red flag central?”

TL;DR – Been dating guy for 3 months. I’m on birth control, so we haven’t wrapped up in a while. I found a random, opened condom wrapper on his nightstand. Guy tells me it must’ve been there from when he was cleaning.

Dear Anonymous,

This really depends on if there have been any other considerable warning signs in his romantic and sexual engagement with you. With the current set of evidence that has been presented, I am not convinced that there has been any foul play. I can honestly tell you that when I was living alone, I probably full cleaned my bedroom maybe once every three months. I didn’t have much time to sort through all of my furniture. And about six months into my relationship with my partner, I actually found a used condom wrapper from early on in our relationship by the corner of my bed. I didn’t think anything of it and tossed it in the garbage.

I’ll also add that condoms can be used in masturbation as well. The extra layer lowers the sensitivity which makes you last longer. In addition, the condom also helps with the post-ejaculation cleanup as well. Not a lot of guys will feel comfortable talking too in detail about their masturbation habits. So this could be another reason he had a wrapper sitting around.

Last thing I will mention is that it might not be a bad idea to get a regular STD screening done. Doctors recommend get tested once every three months to a year even if you’re in a monogamous relationship. That should give you the peace of mind about potential risks even if there was any foul play. And three months of being fluid-bonded with your partner is a pretty great time to get tested anyway, just for your own personal check for your sexual health.

Photo by Ericson Fernandes on

Clearly, he has had a life he led before he met you. If there hasn’t been any other warning signs (i.e. suspicious gaps in his history, drastic changes in his level of trust in you, or drastic changes in his behavior), I recommend that you think for yourself what this means and determine your own course of action going forward.

You’ll have at least the next two weeks to determine your course of action, whether that is asking for a more recent STD screening test results, wearing barriers in sex, or paying a closer attention to abrupt changes in his personality or behavior.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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