Advice – My partner’s FWB is pregnant.

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/u/camping_paige writes on /r/polyamory…

My nesting/primary partner just found out that his other FWB partner is now pregnant with his child. They have been together for about month, we have been together 4 years with a child of our own. I obviously have thoughts and feelings that I am working through but right now we are going to meet on Wed to find out how we all want to proceed. It seems like the most logical way would be to combine households in some way. She seems to be open to this, we all obviously want to take this on a slow timeline. What I am trying to get at here is what has worked for people, what has not. I have a disorganized list of things I want to talk about but I feel like an experienced person would have some good points. Feel free to DM me if that is easier because honestly I have so many questions. I just have no resources to lean on except for her and him. I want to work this out because I love him and I know that he just wants to be a wonderful dad. I just also want to be realistic to myself that if I can put my anger aside what kind of life can we build, and how what steps do we take to get there. Currently we are reading More Than Two but we are only on Chapter 2.”

TL;DR – My partner’s FWB partner of one month is pregnant.How do I organize and process what is happening to our lives?

Dear Camping Paige,

As a new father, I personally cannot see a more difficult scenario to bring a new child into. And I will not pretend to know the kind of anger and pain you have had to compartmentalize for the sake of dealing with the situation ahead of you. I deeply envy your strength and resilience in these difficult times.

I want to first discuss how insane this is.

Let’s suppose that you weren’t romantically involved with your primary partner, but you knew them as a purely platonic but close friend. If this close friend revealed to you that he got his casual fling pregnant within the first month and decided that he wanted to raise that kid, what kind of advice would you have for your friend? Would you have told him what a bad idea it is to make any major life commitments one months into a casual relationship with someone he barely knows?

This is a terrible. terrible idea.

This isn’t just your friend. This is your nesting partner. That makes this so, so much more difficult and all the more unacceptable.

In the follow up exchange, you have also told me about how this is a (major) boundary violation not to have kids with anyone else. He has also displayed a lack of sound decision making skills regarding his own sexual safety when he decided the pull out method is equivalent to wearing condoms. Your metamour has not yet displayed any good characteristics of being a good mother currently in his relationship with her. But mostly, they’ve only been together for one month. This is madness.

I agree with you that it is ultimately her decision to keep the child since it is her body. But how could your partner not discuss this very possible probability of her pregnancy with his FWB? This is an intense and immense life commitment he is about to make to someone. And it is undoubtedly going to completely change not just his life but also your and your child’s life forever.

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So let’s talk about what options you have ahead of you.

The obvious first step that I can see is to establish some very firm (maybe non-negotiable) boundaries with your nesting partner. If this is how he is going to approach all of his future relationships, it might not be sustainable for you to nest with him any longer. You already have a child with your partner. So you know how expensive child care can be. If you are currently financially enmeshed with your partner, it is very important to discuss how he expects to budget and take financial responsibility for the decision he made here. I don’t feel that bringing his now-pregnant FWB into your household is a good idea. You have no idea what kind of person she is actually like. So committing to even more commitment due to your partner and his other partner’s decision to remain pregnant will exacerbate your already turbulent nesting relationship. Instead, focus on budgeting for what you can and cannot afford for your own child and determine how best to take care of yourself and your child first before bringing your partner’s financial well-being into the picture. This wasn’t anything you did. This is something that has been thrust onto your plate.

Maybe a better discussion to have here is to ask your metamour how she expects to take care of her newborn. Your partner is responsible for financially and emotionally providing for the child he helped create. But how does she expect to burden her share of the financial and emotional responsibility in rearing a child with someone she has only had a casual relationship with in the past? Does she know what childcare and parenting entails? What kind of role does she expect you to play in their child’s life? What kind of role does she expect to play in your child’s life? How will this reflect on the real life implications of raising this child?

I cannot fathom in how many different ways I can comment on what a tremendous mistake they have made and are continuing to make. If anyone ever asks what infidelity looks like in polyamorous relationship, I will point them to this circumstance. I am intensely infuriated at your partner and metamour’s complete lack of responsibility and accountability in safe sex practices. As a father, I am deeply, deeply sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the best of luck.

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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