“I started dating this girl a little bit ago and I’m having some sexual frustrations with everything. I’m insanely attracted to her and she is the the most attractive woman I’ve ever been with. Yet, when we try to have sex, my body doesn’t want to cooperate. I can get hard and she can make me hard very easily, Sometimes we’ll get it in, and then I’ll pop out and start to lose my erection trying to get it back in. She can get me hard again and she’ll be successful at that, then I try again and the same thing happens. We’ve really only been successful completely a few times. She will also try to make me finish with a blowjob or handjob and my body just doesn’t want to unless I self stimulate (that one isn’t new though) She tells me not to worry about it and tries to make me feel better by saying it’s not just me it’s her. I really want to please this girl but for whatever reason my body just isn’t cooperating and it’s not a problem I’ve ever faced before with my other partners. Any sort of advice would be really appreciated. Getting really frustrated and annoyed at this point.”
Tempted Sword Staker on /r/sex.
Dear Tempted Sword Staker,
Repeat after me. You are not just a body attached to a penis.
As a cis man, I see a lot of other cis men equate the hardness of their penis to their libido and sexual performance. I also see a lot of cis men, like you, take it upon themselves to make the hardness of their penis the crux of their sexuality. And I have always wondered why a lot of men allow themselves to minimize the entirety of the erotic imagination and boil it all the way down to one specific body part. This immense fascination with penis is the reason why the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer made $28.5 billion revenue since 2003 on Viagra alone. And the fascination with ejaculation is why folks who experience premature ejaculations are often shunned.
The way you envision your penis and anchor it as the only manifestation of your sexuality does much more harm than good. It is time for you to expand your sexual repertoire much wider than just your penis.
Mainstream sex advice has done a good job of expanding female erogenous zones to more than just the clitoris, and we need to do the same with male erogenous zones. Contrary to common beliefs, male erogenous zones are more numerous than just your penis; your penis just happens to be the most obvious one. Mouth, lips, scrotum, ears, neck, and nipples are all really sensitive areas that are linked to sexual arousal.
So next time you and your partner participate in foreplay, take your penis completely out of the equation and instead stimulate your other erogenous zones either by yourself or with the assistance of your partner.
And take the time to enjoy each other’s bodies in this meantime. Get real familiar with the parts you and your partner like and the sensations both of you are comfortable with. You are allowed to enjoy kisses and licks on parts of your body that isn’t just the shaft or the head of your penis. You are allowed to enjoy sexual sensations that do not always lead to ejaculation.
Only 18% of women reliably orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, and 37% require clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. You say that you would really like to please your partner. So what is stopping you from pleasing your partner with your tongue, lips, fingers, or sex toys? Why are you so intent on relying only on your penis to please your partner? I know this sounds wild. But have you ever considered wearing a strap on or using a dildo to penetrate your partner instead of your penis?
This isn’t all to say that your partner does not personally enjoy the sensation of your penis in her vagina. What I am trying to say is that that doesn’t have to be all of the kind of sex that you two have.
I bet that your partner would happily settle for you orally pleasing her while you self-stimulate yourself to completion. Part of what could be happening in your erotic headspace is that your mind hasn’t fully linked your own personal erotic headspace with enjoying a sexual connection with this particular partner in this specific way quite yet. It could be very possible that you need to intentionally wire your brain to associate your partner as a channel through which your body is allowed to vent your erotic energy towards. You do this by masturbating to each other and touching each other first. Until then, your body and your mind will be disconnected. In fancier terms, this is called arousal non-concordance, that while you are erotically charged and mentally desiring your partner, your body doesn’t necessarily show the physical arousal that matches your libido. A lot of women who take a lot of time to get lubricated even though they’re “turned on” mentally experience the same type of arousal non-concordance as men feel when they are “turned on” but not hard.
I also want to add a couple words about the word “success.”
Don’t think of a vaginal intercourse or even orgasm as a success. The landscape of our human sexual pleasure is wider in vision and deeper in scope than any amount of orgasm can fully capture. You aren’t successful for orgasming, much less orgasming through vaginal penetration. Both your and your partner’s bodies deserve more and better than just the same-old vaginal intercourse. If you get away from sex as a step-by-step guide to your own personal sexual pleasure, you’ll enjoy the process of sexual inter- and outercourse much more. And the more things you enjoy, the less pressure there will be to be and stay erect. And the less pressure there is, the easier it will feel to be and stay erect.
So next time you are tempted to stake your sword in your partner, consider priming and sharpening your sword first. Your sword deserves love too.
Good luck!
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
Tea Time with Tomato 