Advice – Abstinence in LDR.

“Modern Tea” by Adara Sánchez Anguiano is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

/u/strawberryxcheeks on /r/relationship_advice writes…

“So I’ll keep this short. I’m a 27 year old male with a LDR gf [26F]. I see her for 3 weeks a year. We’re working towards cutting the distance. As far as sex goes, she wants to wait till after marriage. I love her to bits, but basically I haven’t had sex in years, even when we get together we just fool around, no proper sex.

I try to control my urges with porn. I’ve only really had one other serious gf, and I haven’t had too many sexual experiences outside of that. I pay for porn sites as well as two girls on Snapchat premium. I don’t interact with them but like the content they send when I pay. My gf sends me nudes but I’m desensitized to them at this point. I don’t want to cheat on my LDR gf, but I need help as to how to approach this relationship further. I love her to death and cannot imagine anyone else with me, but the lack of sex is driving me crazy.

I need help and advice as to how I should go about continuing this relationship, is paying for Snapchat premium a step too far or am I just lonely, I’m very confused.”

Dear Strawberry X Cheeks,

For the sake of this column, I am going to operate under the assumption that you are also okay and completely onboard with waiting to have sex with your current long-distance girlfriend. I am also going to wholeheartedly trust you when you say that you want better ideas on how to communicate your needs better.

Have you ever taken a really long flight out to somewhere? Like five to ten hours out? What do you do when you get settled in for a five to ten hour flight? You hydrate up, bring a full bottle of water, and enough entertainment to keep you busy while you’re in the air. It’s just a temporary aspect of the travel that sometimes the transportation aspect in between the destinations suck. But you have to do your best to prepare to stay sane.

It might be a good time for you to sit down and reconsider what are the most important facets of your relationship. What are those needs you need met? The problem isn’t that Snapchat premium services are one step too far. The problem is in the total sexual communication breakdown. First determine how important it is that you get your sexual desires met. Decide if you’ve done your best to get ready for this flight you are already on. Do you have enough entertainment at hand? What do you need to do to stay sane with your current travel partner until you can land in Marriage? It sounds like you are at the assessment part of your planning here, and you are considering if you need to reach out to your travel partner – your girlfriend – to make sure that you have enough here in between the two of you to make it to Marriage safely.

Photo by Gratisography on

Start with what you shared with us here – “I love [you] to death and cannot imagine anyone else with me, but the lack of sex is driving me crazy” – and figure out a way to make this relationship work. What are some boundaries and agreements that you might have agreed to either implicitly or explicitly? And what adjustments can you make to make sure that you and your partner can remain sane on this journey together? What is the furthest extent you and your girlfriend can remain flexible for each other? Once you can get a better idea on what she is and isn’t comfortable in terms of sexual boundaries (and specifically what she would consider to be infidelity), you’ll have better idea on what you have to work with. Some people do consider porn to be cheating while others do not consider consensual non-monogamy be to be cheating. So there is a lot of grey area here to flesh out.

Some of those grey areas you might want to explore is in what different ways you can continue to keep intimacy interesting in your long distance relationship. Nudes by themselves don’t mean anything without context. You’re already getting fresh influx of new pictures and videos of other people online. Think about in what different ways you can utilize all of internet to make the foreplay, exchange of photos/videos/audios, and dirty talk captivating and stimulating for both of you. Get creative with each other.

I really hope your conversations with your partner are fruitful. It is hard enough to do this walk with wholly consenting partners who are enthusiastic. So mindfully approach this with bright attitude and eye for silver lining. It really is just a journey you two are on together. Destinations might be set, but the itineraries are not.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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