“Hello, I’m looking for some wisdom on this subject. My wife and her boyfriend are heading towards a breakup. Last night he started threatening to kill himself. Police were called and intervention was done. He seems calmer and no one from the crisis team felt he was under serious threat, but they are involved. It is made worse because she is several states away training for a month and can’t be here in person. I listen to him, and try to prop him up emotionally but there is only so much I can do.
To me, it looked like a break up was long time coming. They are just so different. I don’t get involved in her relationships but this one I’ve been caught up in. The worst part this started over her asking him to paint a chair for my youngest daughter’s birthday. He feels he shouldn’t because my daughters “hates him.” That’s when the arguing and fighting and melt down started.
I’m attempting to be supportive to both of them. So how do you deal with similar situations with metamours and messy breakups?”
Even in the best of circumstances, it is not advisable to get involved in your partner’s other relationships. This is far from a good situation, and I strongly, strongly advise you to create some distance between your partner’s imploding relationship and your emotionally unstable metamour.
Let’s first think about this from your wife’s perspective. She is several states away and cannot be fully present for this breakup, even if she saw that this breakup was coming long before she committed to this plan. And now her relationship is imploding and the only person who compassionately stepped up for her is her husband. I really feel how difficult this has been for your wife. How have you been supporting her through all of this? How is she taking care of herself while all of this is going on? How is she handling the impending breakup as it is all unfolding?
Then there is you. I am assuming based on what you’ve shared that you have taken on the bulk of the parenting responsibility while your wife is away. That can’t be easy to manage her impending breakup with your meta while being present in your fatherhood. You need to focus more on your own relationships while all of this is going on.
If your metamour has any friends or family in the area, I strongly suggest you (or your wife) let them know to keep an eye on your soon-to-be-ex metamour and her soon-to-be-ex partner. If he has no other support network, point him to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). They have a suicide hotline that he can call (1-800-273-TALK) in dire situations. This is far, far beyond anything you have to sign up for. In the meantime, continue to distance yourself away by repeating to yourself (and to him if necessary) that you do not want to be involved in the ongoings of their relationship.
You are not responsible for emotionally propping up your metamour even if it comes from a deeply human place. That isn’t your wife’s responsibility either. That responsibility falls on his and only his own shoulders while he works through this either on his own or (hopefully) with a help of a therapist.
I’m really sorry you and your family are going through this.
Good luck.
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“So, yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me. By text messages. He told me he couldn’t give me what I deserve, that being joy, stability and a long term relationship. He also explained to me, a few days ago, that he has struggled with depression for 2 years now and that he has tried to commit suicide a year ago, but it failed and nobody in his family know it was a suicide attempt… I spoke with him on the phone after his messages about leaving me and when I told him he couldn’t break up with me by saying that it was the best for me because by the age of 21 yo, I think I can have my own opinion on the matter and make my own decisions, he told me he couldn’t love me if he didn’t love himself first.
I totally understand his reasoning, but… Well, I love him. And while I know I or my love cannot fix him, I want to stay with him, and to help at my own scale… I just want to be there for him when he needs me and to support him while he helps himself (by taking medications, going to a therapist, etc.). And I don’t know if I should try to convince him that being together is for the best. I don’t want to force him… I just want to love him, to be there for him and to help him as much as I can. I don’t even know if anybody else knows how much he’s struggling…
Please tell me what to do? Should I try or should I just let him go?”
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this. And I’m really sorry that your ex-boyfriend is going through this.
Everyone’s respective struggle with depression is a little different. But I would strongly advise you to listen to your ex-boyfriend has to say. He is phrasing his breakup with you in a way that reflects his deep compassion and sensibility in respect of the relationship you’ve shared together. He is communicating with you that even simple things are really difficult for him, and he might not have the full emotional bandwidth available to continually be present in his side of the relationship with you.
You say that you understand his reasoning. And you probably do, logically. But you haven’t fully accepted his reasoning in the emotional sense.
Let’s start with this.
In the words of support that you used, I can sense how deeply you care for this person. You can also see and accept how your love for him will not be able to fix him. So hear yourself say that out loud, that your love cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself. And in the same way you can determine for yourself what decisions you want to make, he too is responsible for his own actions as well. So please respect his decision to end this relationship.
This does not mean that you have to stop caring for him. If you feel it rewarding, realize in what different ways you want to continue to support in his personal journey to mental wellness. Think about what that means for you, as it is a personal commitment to stand by one of your favorite humans struggle with their own depression. Once you’ve had an opportunity to settle with that vision, then tell him so. Tell him that “[you] just want to love him, to be there for him and to help him as much as [you] can.” Once you’ve communicated as such, leave that door open for him so that he knows it is a space that he can take advantage of that open door in the most dire circumstances.
He will come find you when or if he is ready. Recognize that sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to provide space and grieve for the loss of this particular potential future for reasons that were completely and utterly outside of your control. And it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.
Good luck.
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about two months ago. She 100% blames me for it and also claims that I cheated on her although this isn’t actually true.
I’m quite interested in Korean culture (Japanese and Chinese culture too though) and where I live there’s a regular meet-up for people who either are Korean or are interested in the culture or want to learn Korean and improve their skills. This is actually where I met my ex-girlfriend since she helps to organise it.
After we broke up I still went to those bi-weekly (usually) meet-ups since I didn’t want to give them up because of her, however she’s been pretty much bullying me at those. Says to me that I shouldn’t come because no one would want me here and tells every girl I talk to that she should know that I’m a cheater and can’t be trusted. This has just further decreased my chances with other women.
I told her that her behavior is silly and childish but she won’t listen and just keeps calling me a cheater. What can I do?”
Dear Winter Shelter,
As a Korean, it always enthuses me to see so many people of so many different cultural backgrounds enjoy the culture I am from. The parts of Korean culture I grew up with went way deeper than the K-pop and the idol craze that a lot of normative Korean culture fans associate it with. But there is a lot there in the Korean history to celebrate its culture and heritage in a very meaningful way that go beyond just the surface.
For whatever the reason is – justified or not – she does not feel comfortable with you attending the same meetups as she does. It is unfortunate, but you could always stop going. Or find a different Korean culture meetup to attend. Or focus a bit more on Japanese and Chinese cultures in the meantime. Or maybe even start & host a new Korean culture celebration meetup of your own.
I mean, I don’t get the sense that you personally enjoy attending a meetup organized by someone who so greatly misunderstands and maintains a toxic attitude towards you for whatever reason – again, justified or not. So you could just establish a personal boundary not to attend meetups where the host is hostile towards you and make you feel personally uncomfortable.
As unfortunate as it is, you can also take this as a learning lesson for yourself as well. There is a good reason why there is a colloquial wisdom not to date in a workplace. If/when things go south, it is very hard to avoid your ex in a space you both frequent. I know this isn’t a workplace, but it is a space that you both frequent. Maybe she’ll change her mind about maintaining a hostile environment for you with time.
Good luck!
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“Hello! Sorry for the formatting, I’m [23F] always on mobile. I’ve posted on relationships before, but every time it’s been about a relationship that hasn’t worked out. Which brings me to this issue that I have. I always break up with people.
I wasn’t super popular for dates in highschool, and I had a bit of a glow up before college. Like, mid-2000’s teen rom-com glow up. And all of a sudden I started getting attention. I wound up picking the wrong guy who was in all ways abusive for about 4 years until I finally left him over a year ago. The problem is, since then I’ve had this lasting fear of commitment?
I’m not sure if I should call it a fear of commitment or not, but the best way to explain it is that I will really like someone and then before even 2 months has passed, I will not like them anymore. And it’s different every time. Usually I just start to find the little things they do annoying. Mannerisms, the way they eat, something. And I convince myself that they aren’t right for me and I shouldn’t be settling. I feel like this is rooted in the fear that I will end up staying with someone for a long time and ultimately breaking up with them. And I hate the idea of dating someone else for 4 years and having to start over.
But this new guy [24M] is different. I think. I like everything about him. He’s got the perfect occupation, he’s great with kids. He supports what I do. I find him attractive. Our personalities seem very compatible and he has a great relationship with his friends and family. I adore this guy. But we’ve been together a month and I’m nervous that I’m going to reach my time limit and like clockwork I’ll find something wrong with him and end it.
To be fair, I am the type to fall for someone very quickly. Which is what makes me nervous in new relationships and only increases the paranoia that makes me leave after 2 months. I would ask friends for advice, but not many of them seem to be in happy relationships. They seem incompatible with their SO’s but they haven’t left because they don’t want to start over.
My question: Is there any advice out there to help me avoid breaking up with someone for bad reasons?”
Dear Is Not Always Rainbows,
Have you ever eaten a substandard ice cream? The one that you’re not thrilled about but were happy to grab at the ice cream aisle of your closest grocery store? You might have looked at all the Ben & Jerry’s million flavors and grabbed your favorite flavor in a hurry as to not be seen eating grocery store ice cream brands. But you were all settled in in your unicorn-patterned jammy jams by the time you realized that you accidentally grabbed Chocolate Fudge Brownie instead of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. You might have just shrugged your shoulders and go, “Meh. This is going to be an experience.”
I sometimes have relationships that feel that way too; that while they’re not my perfect matches, I know it is going to be a brand new experience with this human being and go into it with a plan to learn about how other people love.
I think you recognize in yourself the kind of role that your long-term abusive relationship has played in your subsequent relationships, and is continuing to play in this new connection. There is a reason why you fall in love so quickly, and why you get burnt out so quickly after you recognize a minor (or major) personality flaw.
One of the reasons why you fall in love so quickly after the end of a long-term relationship is because you were already there at an intense level of intimacy with someone else before. You feel that void your ex has left behind and you’re anxious to fill it with something anew that can provide that same kind of warmth and safety again. Another contributing factor could also be that your personal background on not really dating much in high school has warped your sense of mutual attraction, in that you greatly overvalue the attention you receive and try your best to reciprocate that same level of (often sexual) intensity back. So that when you first meet someone, you burn hot for a couple weeks to a month before simmering down when that same intensity cannot reasonably keep up when the lighter fluid of newness runs out. This is what you are feeling when you hate having to start anew after four years of a relationship. You did invest four intense years of your life into a relationship that ended up not working out.
Another major contributor to why you tend to break up with others so easily over character flaws originate from your previous abusive relationship. You didn’t go into too much detail about the kind of abuse you’ve had to endure, but I am going to assume your ex displayed an incredibly toxic and unhealthy behavior patterns around you. Those behaviors left a lot of open wounds and scars you were quick to cover up. But because you had to endure four years of abusive behaviors and patterns, you lost a lot of control along the way. And in a way, you could be asserting control back into your life by picking at those scabs of your past wounds and ending things at a moment’s notice. Your patience is dangerously low in the romance department after four years of abuse.
Good news. There are some counterspells you can cast here to make sure you aren’t prematurely ending things with this new promising connection.
First is to recognize that your past is your past. Sometimes, people are just really bad matches for you at any given time. It takes two fundamentally functional people to make any kind of relationship work, and you just might not be in a mental place currently to make another long-term relationship work. And that is okay. Clearly, it didn’t work out between you and your long-term ex for very good reasons. Forgive yourself for the place you’re in. It is okay to experience pain and grief after a devastating end of a long-term relationship. It sounds like you’ve been on a path to recovery for the past year, and have been doing some underneath work already. You just haven’t really recognized the amount of work you’ve been putting in to be just okay again. So keep doing what you’ve been doing to acknowledge that you don’t have to be perfect after a difficult relationship, even after an entire year. That recovery alone could take years, decades, or even lifetime. That doesn’t mean that you are undeserving of love. You just have to accept that that is going to be a baggage you’re going to have to carry in your life going forward.
Second is to give yourself a break. That paranoia and anxiety you feel two months into your relationships is your internal voice asking you if this particular relationship has the legs to survive another four years. Why do you even have to answer that question? Two months is far too short to know if you can even survive the next four months, much less four years. Instead of fixating on whether or not long-term relationship is viable with this person, why not go into these engagements without any of that kind of restrictions and experience them for the experience’s sake? You’re 23. You’re young and attractive. You are going to command attention from twentysomething men who see that charm and glow about you. So breathe through that anxiety you feel, and repeat to yourself that you don’t have to have it all figured out in two months. Sometimes, even two years is not enough.
The last counterspell I have for you is to accept that relationships end for whatever reasons, valid or invalid. The character flaws you saw, the scabs that you picked at, they’re all reasonable. The time you invest into your relationships is not going to always yield a reward. Sometimes, it is just a journey.
I’ll tell you that I’ve been in a handful of really toxic relationships in the past. Some that chipped away a year of my sanity and mental well-being. I’ve always tried my best to make those relationships work, but they failed anyway for all perfectly valid and invalid reasons. And I’ve accrued my own set of baggage along the way. For example, I cannot date someone who loves horses anymore. But I’ve enjoyed my relationship with my equestrian ex for the intense experience we were able to have together. In the same way, I hope you can evaluate your relationships not just on the beginning and end points of those connections but the overall trajectory and the good memories you were able to build with them instead. Sometimes, a relationship is just a journey.
I am really excited about your journey. You’ve got such a long and enjoyable path to happiness ahead of you. One month is far too short for you to know if this [24M] is going to be the long term fit for you. Part of the fun in modern dating is to figure all of that compatibility out along the way, you know? So enjoy each of the steps along the way.
Good luck!
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“We broke up a year ago, were together for 6 years. It was a very sudden breakup for my family because I never shared the hurt, pain, and damage he was causing both of us.
He was bipolar, manic depressive, and had very bad separation anxiety (with me). I loved him through it, he had always had those issues, but in the last year and a half I noticed I was isolated and depressed. He was jealous of any friend I had, would want me to come home ASAP, didn’t want my friends over because he didn’t know them – he never explicitly said these things, he would kind of just throw tantrums. “Oh.. I was waiting all day to hang out with you… But if you want to hang out with so and so, I’ll see you later. ” And then he would call after an hour. If I didn’t pick up he would go super Saiyan and assume I was murdered in a ditch – if I was alive, why wasn’t I picking up??? And once I did pick up he was pissed at me because “I was so worried”. So I slowly stopped hanging out with people to not make his anxiety worse. He also couldn’t sleep without me in bed with him, so when he went to bed I did too.
There were many other reasons, but I won’t get into those.
Main point of this post it to get advice about how I should handle my family, specifically my grandma. He’s reached out to me apologizing, saying I was right about his anger problems and that he was finally seeing a psychiatrist. How he wanted to just be my friend again. I’m not having it, I’m so much happier in my life.
But my grandma thinks I’m being cold. “He’s such a good boy”, and “well he’s seeing a psychiatrist now, what if he gets better?”. Honestly I think she feels this way because he’s actively going to school, has a decent job, and he IS a very kind soul when he’s in a good mood. She’s all about success over anything else.
I have no intention of getting back in contact with him, I just need help navigating my family. Especially since I’m dating (in literal terms) a new guy who I really care for and match really well with, but isn’t “successful” on paper. Any advice is welcome.”
TL;DR – Broke up with my mentally abusive boyfriend a year ago but my grandma has made it obvious that she would prefer I get back together with him at some point since he’s seeing a psychiatrist and “could get better”. I say she feels like this because he’s “going places”.
Dear Herbal Baby,
I think it is time for you to negotiate and establish a better set of boundaries around your family regarding your ex.
It honestly does not matter at all what your family thinks about him. If you are in a better place for not dating him, it is not in your family’s place to try to convince you to go back to dating him. That is deeply inappropriate. You’re an adult. You are in charge of your own life. So I’d probably set my foot down and say, “Hey grandma, thanks for these frosted sugar cookies. I hear you about my ex boyfriend. But I am not going to date him again. I feel hurt and uncomfortable when you continue to push this issue upon me. If you feel like he has redeemable qualities, then you can initiate and maintain your own connection with him on your own without me.”
And leave it at that.
They too are adults and they can maintain their own connections with your ex if they want. It is not at all your responsibility to maintain it for them, especially at the cost of your own sanity.
And going forward, whenever your family asks about your ex, just say that he is doing okay and change the topic to something more relevant. Maybe even redirect it to talking about something incredible that your new guy has done for you recently.
I might also be more straight forward with your ex as well and put my foot down and say that you’re happy to see him make progress but that you’re not ready to be friends quite yet (if ever).
It is time for everyone to move on. A brand new 2020 is almost upon us.
Good luck!
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“My husband decided to end things with his partner due to her inability to follow our rules and boundaries as well as he being confused if he wants to pursue polyamory for himself. I thought it was appropriate to let her know and not lead her on. We both agreed.
I did help him create a message for her and to end things. We were on the same page and thought we moved on from it.
The next day he’s blaming me for the ending of the relationship because he “didn’t have the real opportunity” to talk to her face to face.
Now, he wants me to end my longer term partnership and decided because he doesn’t have a partner he wants to be mono between he and I.
I really care about my partner and I feel like I’m being wrongly punished.
We do need marriage therapy and are starting this month. I just feel hurt and broken. My husband doesn’t think I can have a partner while working on our marriage together.
But really I feel like I’m just being punished about his failed relationship.
I was supposed to see my partner this weekend and my husband wants me to tell him now that we have to breakup. Despite the fact I don’t want to end things with my partner.
I just need advice or comfort.
Edit: I was given an ultimatum of my husband or my partner. There was no compromise and I picked my husband. I am devastated and have no idea how I’m going to recover.”
Dear Throwaway 000000007,
I am really sorry you are going through this.
There is so much to unpack here.
The first and most immediate thing that stood out to me was how hierarchical this current situation appeared to be. It seems like he is assuming a position of authority – whether it is granted or earned – and is asserting veto over your partner. Based on the edit, he has issued an ultimatum for you to break up with your partner.
I’m not sure if veto rights was something you and your husband ever discussed. If it was something that was explicitly discussed and agreed to, then you have to honor that agreement by breaking up with your boyfriend. If it was something that was explicitly discussed and ruled out, then he needs to be kindly reminded that he does not have the right to rule out any partner of yours no matter what he is going through. If it was something that you two never discussed, then it is the perfect time to sit and discuss whether you are going to accept this as an ongoing agreement or not.
The second thing I noticed is how much your husband seems to be in pain. He is clearly going through a lot in this breakup process. And as you had mentioned, he was already unsure about polyamory in the first place. He is certainly weaponizing his pain to influence your relationships, as he has already done so. It is also evident in how he has placed blame on you for helping write that message. He is taking absolutely no personal responsibility for the end of his relationship; and I can guarantee that your husband will not take any personal responsibility for putting you in an impossible situation with an ultimatum. He will continue to wield his feelings to impact all of your future relationships should you decide to reopen your marriage after this experience. Are you actually okay with this?
Good thing is that you two are already en route to marriage counseling. Your husband has a lot of work cut out ahead of him. He needs to do a better job of taking responsibility for his own feelings. Breakups hurt. But it was still his relationship to continue or end. And instead of redirecting his frustration at the end of his relationship, it is greatly unfair to place that blame onto you. He is going to have to get better at owning his own emotional labor. That means he might need to see a therapist of his own so that he can develop better tools to manage his emotional load.
You also have a bit of work ahead of you as well. You are also going to have to come to terms with the end of your relationship as well since you’ve honored his ultimatum/veto. It is going to be very difficult to keep your resentment at bay while you recognize and disassemble the end of your relationship. Recognize it for what it is and work with your marriage counselor to dissipate those negative feelings as productively as possible. You are also going to have to determine for yourself where is that final threshold for you. How much more can you accept this kind of behavior from your husband? Are you going to continue letting your husband dictate the kind of relationships you want to have with others and with yourself?
Both of you might benefit a bit from reading more into codependency. Here is a good primer on what codependent relationships can look like.
I’m really sorry to hear that you and your husband are going through such a difficult time. I really wish you well.
Good luck.
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“So, one of my partners broke up with his long term partner quite suddenly. He and I are only a few dates in. He kinda disappeared for a few weeks while he was sorting it. I understood, it sucked because he’d had to cancel a bunch before that so I starting wondering if he was just ghosting me. However, he stayed in touch a bit and in the last week has come back out of the woodwork, apologized for it which I said wasn’t a big deal, etc etc not the issue.
I hadn’t known it had happened, he’d just said something came up and he’d be Mia for awhile. My (ex) meta had reached out to me to see if I knew, and once she found out I didn’t, told me. She said she really didn’t understand why, and asked me to tell her if I ever found out why he’d broken up with her. I have a really good relationship with her, we were aquaintences several years ago and just reconnected when he and I started seeing each other.
She messaged me yesterday to tell me he’d finally explained himself, but it was messy and bad and they weren’t going to be friends after it.
I went out with him yesterday for the first time in weeks, and he had said he didn’t want to get into it over lunch. I told him it was none of my business, I just cared if he was okay, and if he wanted to talk about it I’d listen but, again his relationship with her (or, now lack of it) isn’t mine to know about.
Reason I’m posting, is a couple of my friends are insisting I need to find out why he broke up with her. I firmly believe it’s none of my business, and if he or she never tells me then that’s their decision.
Only bit I’m worried about is if it was a “bad reason”, that she’ll judge me for staying with him, but I don’t know how much I really care about that.
What’s the usual.. Etiquette in these situations, so to speak?”
I strongly believe that some degree of compartmentalization and separation is necessary for sanity and survival in poly relationships. It might be a time for you to look inward and decide how much of their fallout you want introduced into your relationship with her former and your current partner.
Let’s put all the cards on the table. They’ve been dating for sometime. And you’ve been on a handful of dates with this man. One day, they ended it seemingly out of the random. Your former metamour contacted you to see if you knew anything (because you are friends). She contacted you when she finally got her breakup sorted out. You and your partner got together. You mentioned his recent breakup with your former metamour and friend. And he did not want to talk about it. Now you’re worried that your friend is going to judge you for continuing to date her former paramour, and your other friends are bugging you to dig up why they broke up.
First off, those friends are wrong to bug you about reasons behind any breakup. Reasons for ending a relationship does not directly impact them. It’s not your responsibility to leverage your budding relationship with your partner to disclose anything he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing. This also extends to you. Your friend will tell you if that “bad reason” is pertinent to your relationship (i.e. abusive behavior). Otherwise, chalk it up to just fundamental disconnect and incompatibility.
I think it might also benefit you to redefine your previous relationship with her as your metamour as a new connection as friends. Since the end of their relationship is tumultuous, you are going to have to establish some inner boundaries regarding what you can and cannot disclose with your friend. And similarly with your partner in regards to your friendship with his former paramour.
Third thing for you to consider is that your partner might be to respect your partner’s rate of processing. When my last relationship ended, I waited about a week and a half before I informed each of my partners. I wanted to sit and process my feelings before I felt comfortable enough to express those emotions without getting emotional. So allow him that space so that he can approach you when/if he feels ready. Leave that door open for him, but do not remind him that that door is open.
I’m really sorry to hear that your partner is going through such a rough time. Just take a breath. You’ve done all you can. And you’ve done a great job of handling different responsibilities and managing your relationships. So relax and let time do its work.
Good luck!
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“Hi all, what are your tips for coping after a breakup with a secondary without letting it affect your relationship with your primary (too much)?
I broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months about two months ago. Since then I’ve pretty much only been with my husband, aside from one-night stand type things, and for various reasons my husband and I have decided to go mono, at least for the next few months.
I occasionally see my ex-girlfriend because we’re part of the same sports team. She’s now hooking up with someone else on the team, and I have to admit (even though I know ending our relationship was the right call) it’s been a little hard knowing she’s getting the NRE burst to help get over things, while I’m in the same relationship I was in while I was with her. Sometimes, even though I love my husband, it still feels like there’s something missing. It feels like the “get under someone to get over someone” thing isn’t as effective when you were under that someone already…you know?
Really want to get past this so my husband doesn’t have to deal with mopey breakup me any longer. Some days I feel totally fine and other days (especially when I have to see my ex) it’s just really hard. Any advice would be greatly greatly appreciated!!”
Dear Bookish Elisa,
This is one of the most difficult skills to develop in polyamorous relationships because it is a brand new skill. In traditionally monogamous relationships, there are all these common models that you can follow to get over your breakup. Get in your most comfy PJs, dive into the massive backlog of shows and movies you’ve neglected, and settle in with a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked. You have also mentioned another option of “getting under someone to get over someone.” Another common advice following breakups is to go out and reconnect with your friends and family to reinforce the relationships that have survive the breakup. Let’s dive into what each of those have in common.
When you are getting comfortable in your own presence, you end up internalizing some of that pain. While immersed in that pain, you get to selfishly redirect some of that energy to resolve the cards of pain that you are dealt. I think this part of advice could crossover well to poly-side of breakup recovery as well. If that looks like doing more self-care (i.e. getting massages, watching movies in a pillow/blanket fort), then you do you. This is a purely internal process to focus on your own well-being and improving your own emotional & physical health.
When you are sleeping with other people to get over your breakup, you are essentially stitching your wounds shut with the threads of passion. Rebound sex is a rapid-speed recovery process. The theory is that if you can have meaningless sex with someone it could help dissociate and disassemble the loss you feel in death of an intimate relationship with another. I personally feel that this is a terrible advice for two reasons. One. It requires you to “use” another person for sex, and “be used” by another person for sex. It also perpetuates the unhealthy idea to weaponize sex and intimacy against your own pain. You can absolutely apply this in poly scenarios as well, probably to mild extent. Fighting fire with fire, I suppose, could be a valid strategy. This is an external process that you turn internally to cauterize your internal wounds.
When you are focusing on establishing and reinforcing the relationships that did survive, what you are really doing is to kindly remind yourself that you are capable of maintaining healthy and respectful relationships on your own. By seeing what kind of values you bring into others lives, you can better support your own ego during a breakup. This is a purely external process and can definitely be re-purposed in polyamorous relationships, as you have done so a bit through your relationship with your husband. If you are out as poly or if you have a local poly group that you can rely on for support, this would be a great opportunity to leverage your distant connections to connect with others and reinforce the qualities you like in yourself.
I also see two different underlying problems in your post. First is your current exposure level to your ex. It can be really difficult to constantly encounter one of your exes in the same sports team that you both participate in. It is even more difficult to see her hooking up with someone else on the same team. If you are continuing to have such a hard time, it might not be such a bad idea to take a brief break from this sports team to shore up some of your emotional defenses.
Another more important point of discussion is in relying too much on your husband for emotional support. Maybe you can also develop different support network to help you process poly-related feelings. We humans are fundamentally social creatures. Building and maintaining connections is really important to maintain your own sanity. Since you’ve lost an important connection that you had through your former secondary partner, you might need other ways to reinvent that space you once left for her to occupy. Whether that is through a poly-friendly therapist who can help you unpack and resolve the current pains or a poly-minded queerplatonic friend that you can vent to freely about poly-related feelings and shenanigans, try to keep an open mind to connect with others in this regard as well. I saw from your other post that your husband had previous reservations about processing your secondary woes with him. So I can see why he’d also feel exhausted in supporting you through this breakup as well. He is a champ. But he can’t be your everything here either.
Good luck!
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
“Commonly it is said you need to be over your ex before you should start dating again. So how do you do this in a healthy manner while still in other romantic relationships?”
Dear JustLurking9891,
At a first glance, this seemed like a unique problem to polyamory. Only in ethically non-monogamous relationships do we have such significant overlaps between different relationships. But I think the issue at large is one that is more general to the process of breaking up.
Before I start, I’ll share a small personal anecdote. Prior to polyamory, I had been a serial monogamist. I went from one relationship to the next as I fancied. I have always found the process of falling in love to most pleasant in my relationships. It was easy for me to fall in love, to create space for others to fall in love with me, and to continue to foster and nourish that love over time. But inevitably, relationships would fail and I wouldn’t wait too long before I found my next relationship, my next adventure. And I would be right back in the swing of things.
There was a small moment after my final monogamous relationship ended where I realized I was just over that breakup. I remember the exact moment.
I had just gotten off of work and on my way home to my then-girlfriend, now-wife. I was just sitting in the light, next to a gas station. I tapped my thumb on my steering wheel to some nameless music on the radio, vibrating with the world at large. The red light ran long, and my patience thinned. And I took a sharp breath and realized it had been weeks since I last thought about my ex. The light turned green. So I gripped the wheel tightly, smiled, and continued my drive home.
There is no magic formula or process with breakups. Some are already unpacked from even before the words have been uttered. Some breakups carry over the years after the end has been finalized. In my own personal experience, I have found the most success by mentally compartmentalizing each of my relationships and letting those space naturally grow and heal over time. That was the process for me long before I embraced polyamory, and it continues to be my process in my polyamorous relationships.
Mindfully and conscientiously asking for space to process the breakups could also be a good practice. But I also think that each moment of vulnerability is also a great opportunity to build trust. What I am trying to say is that working through the process of breakup does not necessarily have to be a solitudinous activity. Share your process through your pain with your loved ones – both partners and friends – and allow those pain to fertilize the soil for the next season’s harvest.
Good luck!
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!
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