Advice – Should I date even if I am not settled yet?

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Anonymous writes…

“I [25F] want to move to a big city sometime next year, because I want to change companies. Right now I live in a small city, and don’t like this company. I’ve been mostly single for a while now, and have interest in dating.

But how would this work if I know I may move? I’m probably someone who will always want to move jobs at least every couple years. Is it worth dating at all, or worth dating someone who doesn’t like big cities to settle in? What if he doesnt want to live in a big city?

I feel like I get so ahead of myself- I want them to fit my life the moment I meet them. Do I continue dating, or no?”

Dear Anonymous…

I’ll start by telling you something personal about me.

Majority of my relationships have been long distance. There was a point when I was dating someone in London while I lived in Chicago and New York. My girlfriend back then had very little intentions to come visit me in the States. But we still made that relationship work. In between long emails and frequent Skype calls, we made it work somehow.

What I am trying to say is that relationships will always take work, but you can make it work with the people that matter to you. Short-term dating that is a grade above NSA hookups but a tad below serious relationships could be the grey area that you might find yourself swimming in. Establishing firm boundaries and expectations and keeping your partner included in the decisions you are making will be instrumental in helping you build the relationships you want to build. Not everyone wants to have a “forever” relationship. So be on the look out for those people. Allow those relationships to build up organically and naturally over time without too much structure. And eventually learn to let those relationships go.

If you decide to pursue periodic phases of long-distance relationships, there are websites like Kast (formerly known as that allow you to watch shows or movies in real time. There are apps like Marco Polo that allow you to send video messages to each other without being present at the same time.

You love the people you think you deserve. One of the most satisfying and emotionally rewarding relationship I have ever been in only lasted a couple months. And just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t a worthwhile time investment for each of us.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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